The plain office around me suddenly melts away and I am transported to a swanky New York high-rise office with tall windows for walls (read: Nina Garcia’s office as seen in the most recent Project Runway episode). My designer shoes rest on the desk as my red pen conjures a nasty rash on the papers so close to my scrupulous eyes.

Momentarily distracted from the text, I ponder what to prepare for dinner in my cute Manhattan apartment. My inability in the kitchen is quickly realized. So instead I will be slurping chow mein noodles while preparing for drinks with the girls. Ah the life of a New York fashion editor, I muse as I sip my coffee.

But then a discovery shocks me out of my dreamy state: This isn’t a grown-up’s coffee, it’s a poorly-made teen’s mocha — one step up from a child’s frapaccino! I look around … where are my window walls? My Manhattan bustle? My designer shoes!

In the heat of disappointment my Payless shoes slip from their resting place and the touchy rolly chair jolts me forward, spilling my “coffee.”

It’s crazy what watching Sex and the City and Project Runway after logging in extra hours at two offices will do to a girl.

I’m off to the land of North Carolina. I know you want to join me*. Oh yes, it’s true. I’m a snotty Californian.

*IEers — turn up yer speakers!

SPOILER ALERT

My head has been spinning for the last hour, but it is probably just vertigo from watching the latest season premiere of America’s Next Top Model. So please, forgive the bullets and don’t mind the incomplete sentences … and maybe possible disappointment for my favorite show ever:

*ANTM is obviously getting more popular, so they resort to cutting to commercial just after Mr. Jay says “This is going to be the most controversial photoshoot ever!” Focusing on model stereotypes? Honey, please. That’s just the “Tyra brand controversial,” like when she does a mamogram on TV and solves racism in a half hour. Next week’s photoshoot would be controversial if it involved animal carcasses and the baby Jesus
*Did the spirit of Gina visit the girls when they were being interviewed? The airy, unsure voice and contradictory spirit…
*Apparently the post-production crew doesn’t understand the meaning of introduction in a story flow.
*The house was definitely not as cool as the model icons. I’m sorry, but Tyra is not a model icon. And why did they have more gumballs, but not enough beds? And why was it never resolved?
*Melrose? Really?
*Didn’t Ginger see on the contract that she’d have to be willing to do nudity? I think it’s great she has the conviction to stand up for her moral standards concerning getting nekkid, but what about the lie in the form of her signature that meant she read, understood and agreed to the words on these papers?
*Ginger = Karen from Mean Girls
*Melrose??
*Ms. Jay - “I really like one of the twins. I just can’t remember which one.” HA!
*Brooke is proof that if you want to be selected, you have to prove your ghetto factor. But I still like her. Probably because I have the ghetto factor. TMX.
*Why is it that girls with such sob stories — Nenna, Camille, Eva, Monique — think that they deserve everything because someone treated them poorly? And why are they all so bitchy and unreasonable?
*AJ came in confident and already she’s doubting herself?
*Melrose?!?! - wtf?

Obviously ANTM had a lot more money — probably used to raise Tyra’s insurance for practicing the perfect diva faceplant and pending lawsuit for the Janice Dickenson impression — and it didn’t do much for the season opener. Let’s hope they can dish out the goods soon!

So, before my laptop battery dies, as always Twiggy got it right — these models look like contestants from past seasons (Kim, Kyle, Cassondra, Bre, etc.). And their personalities don’t seem that amazing. Except for Brooke and maybe CariDee. Monique - over it. The twins? Nice one, Tyra. If I hadn’t read FourFour early on, I would have been very surprised. And now I can’t wait to read FourFour’s recap, because that will probably be more exciting than watching the real thing.

Yesterday was Talk Like a Pirate Day. The office — okay, so just the design department — celebrated by donning temporary tattoos and creating personal pirate flags. And because I secretly want to be a designer, I thought I’d join them. (Truth be told, I didn’t talk like a pirate all day, nor did I get a tattoo. Maybe if the car service people weren’t trying to steal my money for illegitimate reasons, the day would have been more festive for this sassy lassy. But that’s another blog post.)

So before ye swab the poop deck or go give a looksie in the crow’s nest, take a gander at me perdy pirate flag:

Healthy eaters everywhere, how do you do it? I sat down with my lunch of uncooked veggies, a couple extra-sharp cheddar cheese slices and a tortilla, intending on being healthy. It’s my honest attempt at eating well. Even if I did have a (very) small cup of ranch dressing to spice things up.

But halfway through the green beans and snow peas, I couldn’t help but feel like I was nuzzling for a bite in a flowerbed. The stuff has a reminiscent taste of dirt, even after I washed it!

I tried to do this for my body’s well-being. All my life, weight has never been an issue. I don’t say this as a bragging right, because Lord knows I deal with a lot of problems already. Genes are just in my favor. Ingest the before metabolism slows, says I!

Basically, this is a long excuse as to why I just chugged a Diet Coke when I said I wouldn’t drink soda. Oh and it tasted so good!

Since I’ve added the wikiHow site to my Google homepage, I’ve learned how to do a lot of stuff: make a bra purse, survive a long fall, and, thanks to the “random page” button, I can make a great snack:

When your parents aren’t home and you want a snack, make this.
Steps

1. Get an even amount of crackers. (Ritz crackers are good, and grahm crackers are sweet and match the icing flavor better.)
2. Take your favorite flavor of icing or frosting and make sandwiches with the crackers and icing.
3. Put more icing on top of the crackers and put a bunch of sprinkles on it.
4. Crush or smash your favorite candies on it, and enjoy.
5. Try preparing them in advance and placing them in the fridge for a couple hours, the icing/frosting sets up and they taste even better!

Tips

* Make sure to clean up very well, so your parents won’t know what you were doing while they were gone.

Warnings

* Don’t share them with anybody. They are so good they’ll be back for the rest of them.

Things You’ll Need

* Crackers/Graham Crackers
* Your favorite icing/frosting flavor
* Your favorite candy (optional)
* Sprinkles (optional)

Perhaps I’ll look to a more credible source when learning how to survive from a long fall. One where I know the author isn’t in the fourth grade, though props for spelling, punctuation, capitalization and cleanliness, young Junk Food Master.

As of today, Matt and I have been together for two years. Last night I thought up of thoughtful things to write, but as of this morning, those great ideas floated away with my dreams. But when it’s all said and done, I’m just so thankful that he’s in my life. Every day sees more memories and it’s getting harder and harder to remember what life was like without him. What can I say? Every day is getting better.