Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to read is mostly true. The names have been withheld to protect the innocent.

This is the city. Los Angeles, California. I work here … I carry a badge. I’m Josephine Friday.

It was Friday, September 23. It was sunny in Los Angeles. I was working bunko and I went to the scene of the crime down at the registrar. I was undercover and I entered with forms in hand. I told the receptionist my situation. She sighed and told me to come around to the back. That’s where I met him.

Wow, this is late.

Yes, sir. I know.

Oh boy, you only have five units now?

There were some miscommunications, and they didn’t grant me permission on Web reg so …

Well, Web reg was closed a few weeks ago.

Yes, I know, this was before then.

This could affect your student loans.

I don’t have any.

We report to the federal government. This could affect your insurance. You may have to fill out another form.

Okay.

I’ll sign it. I sure hope the classes are open.

I already talked with each professor.

This could be trouble for your insurance. We report electronically to the federal government, you know.

YES SIR, I UNDERSTAND YOU CON MAN! You should be reported. Thank your lucky stars that you’re not communicating with the federal government through a live video feed. You know your hairdo is way past its deadline when all of your remaining hair grows from left to right!

Wow, this is really late. Do you know we have deadlines?

Yes, I know you have deadlines. I have been busy making a newspaper for the past four weeks, and I can’t even make those. I haven’t even made my class homework deadlines. I’ve been too busy thinking about school to do school. Do you know how hard it is to get up every morning, knowing how many deadlines I’ve missed? Do you know that these years are supposed to be the best of my life? Do you know that I find solace in large amounts of sequins and ice cream (like my good friend Mischa)?!