It’s a good thing I don’t work for Google. I could never get anything done. All day long I’d read the things people search and laugh. What exactly these people are looking for, I have no idea. How they get to my blog from these strange searches is beyond me. Because they just keep getting better, here’s a list of phrases people searched and came to my blog. (For those of you wondering how on earth I could know that, it’s called a tracker. I can see you. You read me everyday and never comment or tell me who you are. I see you.)

picturas (6) - Ole!
kiss my sass (5)
“kiss my sass” emily atwood (3)
“with my fresh wife bobby” (2)
“kiss my sass” (2)
lauren maltby blog (2) - Yes, I know her!
emily and matthew west, picture (2) - That’s something I would search … stalker!
biola ultimate frisbee (2) - YR! (Yeah right)
debbie+downer (2)
PICTURAS (2)
forced haircut age 20 (1)
emily atwood blog (1)
kiss my boyfriend (1)
clark griswald eat your heart out (1)
“emily atwood” (1)
Emily T from YEAH (1) - Say what?
“america’s next top model cycle 6″ (1)
goodnight prayer (1) - Goodnight Room. Such a dumb book.
dyed hair turned black (1)
kiss my vac (1) - “I got my vaccuum in a fashion magazine.”
Heather McAlpine (1)
“kiss my sass” atwood (1)
“Kiss my sass” (1)
t-boz photo gallery of her house (1) - I love T-boz!
emily 18 blog (1) - Weird
put my photo in a box and dye my hair (1) - Again, what are you looking for?
SASS (1)
Emily Brown (1)
great googley moogly! (1) - Seriously? Someone else says this?
girl lovey-dovey (1)
megan dodds december 2005 (1)
God of second chances (1)
sass (1)
a God of second chances (1)
MAtthew West tabs (1) - No, I do not date the Christian musicisan, though my Matt West is a Christian and a musician.
“less talk more makeout” (1)
Emily Sell (1)
debbie downer myspace (1) - Who doesn’t have MySpace nowadays? Abigail, you lie!
ladies getting shampooed (1) - Sicko circa 1950? Sound like a dog grooming parlor to anyone?
Forgive me e-card (1)
entj rare (1)
BIGGIE SASS (1) - Sometimes your words hypnotize me/And I just love your SASSY ways/This is why they broke and you’re so paid
e-card+homer+donut (1)
lovey married women (1)
fairy picturas (1)
heather mcalpine and underwear (1)
“emily atwood” no good (1) - I do Technorati searches for my name, and apparently middle schoolers’ notes in class have become blog posts.
“Emily Atwood” (1)
emily 18 free galleries (1)
“harriet miers” “debbie downer” (1) - Someone copied my pure genius.
lovey dovey kissy photos (1) - Ew. Like I would have that on my Web site.
www.how to count by 3,s (1) - I thought I was bad at math, but at least I don’t have to Google it!
cost of painting toenails in salon (1)
la mirada insider (1)
america’s next top model contestants galleries (1)
sept 29 2005 debbie downer (1)
Emily the Terrible (1) - At your service.
mother bathroom hair bleach (1) - Nightmare.
“bun huggers” (1)
matt hardy ashley (1)
finding my dreamweaver mx serial (1)
i lost my serial number for dreamweaver mx do … (1)
sentimental gifts for my boyfriend (1)

And we can conclude what we already know: Only stalkers and societal rejects read the Internet and blogs. And the crazies in the middle east are going to read my blog, hate me and launch nuclear missles directly to my globular coordinates. In fact, by the time you read this, I’ll be a goner. So sorry for being the cause of nuclear catastrophe. And if you’re already dead, don’t worry, I’m pretty sure blogging exists in heaven.

“Someone in Zurich, Zurich Switzerland googled ‘kiss my private’ and came to my blog.”

“At least they didn’t put it in quotes, right?”

“Good point.”

“Yesterday someone googled ‘picture of two people hunched over doing homework.’”

“That’s funny, because we only hunch over our computers, doing anything but homework.”

“Yeah. And it’s like, learn to use the Internet already!”

Super sasstacular searches that ultimately lead to the blogdom of sass kissing:
* kiss brown dye
* sharp atwood
* a baby by buster
* kiss my gluteus maximus
* mother forced my hair cut
* entj christian jesus
* lost my marbles
* cubic difference diamond money rich
* at least i enjoy what i do
* gluteus maximus picture galleries
* login horizon train smart
* meekus
* hair turned orange
* emily s kiss
* go ahead have another donut
* chico pea chair

Gosh, you mention bun huggers once and it starts a frenzy of people searching for cross country booty! I can only imagine what kind of searches Dooce is getting, writing about Count von Count’s love life:

“You may not consider two different women as a string of lovers, but the Count is over 1.8 million years old and he’s still young enough at heart to call his lover a Chocolate Cake. By all indications he’ll be bumping hot, new vampire butt FOR A WHILE.”

My brother Mike racing at UC Riverside. He now runs for team Saucony. That’s right, it’s meet n’ greets and free swag from now on!

My sophomore year in college was my sixth year as a runner. My brother was a senior at the same school and he was a runner, too. We both ran the steeplechase (like the horse race, but for people) and we were going to be conference champs together. We had it planned and boy was it going to be great, Disney movie great. Sure I wasn’t disabled, from a broken home or from the ghetto (arguably), but I planned to go from not-so-greatness to greatness.

I trained hard. Okay, so I trained hard every time I had a surge of inspiration. Most mornings consisted of waking up with the thought “I have to run again? But I did that yesterday.” The only times I got excited about running were on Wednesdays (an easy 3-mile run) and whenever I got to practice my hurdling technique. I set up hurdles on the field in the rain. I set up the barrier in front of the sand pit to practice my water jump form.

Over time, those fun workouts proved counter-productive. I injured my gluteus maximus (more like medius or minimus). Sadly, the pain was nice. You see, I never chose to run, but for some reason I couldn’t quit.

April 24, 2004 turned out to be the day of disappointment. My brother got third and I got fourth. For me, it was a public showing of my failure. I stopped running after that.

Last Saturday I attended not one, but two cross country races. Things that have changed since I ran:

1. I got slow/lazy/out of shape.
2. My muscles are gone.
3. My team got bun-huggers (the shorts kind).

One resounding thing still hasn’t changed: I don’t like to run.

“Getting a whiff of the ole’ ointment?” my coach said to my old teammate Carrie and me. Last year “the smell” conjured mostly unmet expectations and guilt. But this time it was so foreign. My life has changed a lot since then and I’ve found my identity in other things.

Now I have new plans. Plans to be great at something I choose. Though at the time it was a curse, that injury was the only way to get me out of doing something my heart was not in. I still have a problem with finding my identity in what I do, but at least I enjoy what I do now. Those years as a runner were great and I’d never replace them. … Okay, so I wish I could change them and be faster.

Me, Brittany and Carrie at the Biola Invitational. We were on the team as freshman, but now no longer run. We’ve had some fun times and some pictures to prove it. … Gosh I hope no one finds those, especially since I don’t know where I put them.